The US has said it is ready to battle for Baghdad and will sit outside the city forever, if necessary, waiting for the Republican Guard to come out and fight.

"This is all going remarkably well," said General Frankie Toms, to a press corp eager to believe him. "We've covered vast distances of flat and featureless land in days. Now we expect the Republican Guard to emerge from the city and meet us half way. It's fairer that way. We're sure as hell not going in there."

He continued, "We can wait forever if needed. Psychological and health profiles tell us that Saddam Hussein will drop dead within the next 50 years or so. And failing that we move to Plan B, in which the universe implodes in 50 billion years."