Colin Powell has arrived in Europe on a mission to ignore the most influential nations, plus Britain. It is expected to be a difficult venture, meeting representatives from countries which speak funny, and one which, confusingly, speaks a bastardised form of American English.

Mr Powell will start off in Turkey, where he will not listen to the prime minister about US destabilisation of the region. From there he will move on to Brussels, and is expected to hum annoyingly and pick his nails during meetings with the EU and NATO.

When he arrives back in the US he will bring with him half-remembered messages of concern from many nations, and will be ignored by his colleagues anyway. A US spokesdrone said, "Mr Powell is essentially on a bridge-building exercise. He will build those bridges and then we will bomb them."