President Mugabe of Zimbabwe has said he's so fed up of England and the ICC not making up their mind about whether to play there, that he's told them all to sod off.

"These people make us look bad," said a Zimbabwean government spokesperson after we bribed him. "Persecuting opposition supporters and starving civilians is a prestigious line of business. We can't look tough if these people are squabbling on our doorstep like big girls' blouses."

Tim Sheep of the ECB said Mr Mugabe's statement didn't help the situation, but the ICC said it did, while the England players said they hadn't been told about it and they felt very put out.