Conservative leader Iain Draconian-Smith today announced a scheme opening up his party to rightwing bigots escaping the liberal regimes of the BNP and the Daily Mail.

Mr Dracula-Smith explained that he would imprison all immigrants the moment they entered the country. "Then while they are locked up we can check to see if they're terrorists. This will work because a terrorist will certainly tell us their real name and background, and would never try to enter a country legitimately like the people who destroyed the World Trade Center, or be British citizens themselves like Richard Reid, the shoe-bomber."

"This is all about security," continued Mr Demon-Smith. "Britain is full of inadequate individuals so insecure that they have to blame foreigners for their own problems. We in the Conservatives welcome them and their votes."