Mobile operators have reacted angrily to instructions from Oftel to cut the price of calls, saying it will lead to boils, locusts and the death of the first born.

Gavin Stuff, chief executive of Mintofone, who earns £300,000 a year before bonuses, said it was "madness" to suggest that the mobile operators are making too much money. "This will just hurt the less well off," he said to our reporter from the satellite video phone installed in his Bentley, "because now I'll be forced to cut the wages of our call centre staff so that it doesn't affect me personally. Again."

But Oftel, so called because they tell people off, said the move was justified. "We have looked into this matter very carefully," said a spokesworker. "The fact is we're sick and tired of these rich bastards in commercial organisations when people like us have rubbish public sector jobs. So we really enjoyed doing this and it made us feel a whole lot better."