The Defence Secretary, Geoff Hooch, announced yesterday that the arrival of 31,000 troops on the Iraqi borders in no way suggests that war is more likely and that they were just passing through on their way to post a letter.

The troops include the 13th Armoured Fear & Terror Division and the 4th Air Death Corp, along with 20 anti-Saddam tanks and 300 surface-to-moustache missiles. "This should not be seen as a provocation. Peace is as close as it ever was and the murder of innocents is something you really don't need to worry about at all," said the Minister for the Inevitable.

A spokesman for Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition was loyal. He said he supported Mr Hooch, that he was doing a wonderful job and he should be made a saint at once. He went on to buy a timeshare flat from the minister and lose £50 to him in a game of Find The Lady.