The Government has announced it will allow a sliding scale of university fees and hence enable First Class university access, along with a new Standard Class and the current Bog Standard Class.

The Secretary of State for Education, Charles "It's too late now to say you liked Estelle Morris" Clarke, denied that this would encourage only wealthier students to seek higher education, suggesting that there were opportunties also for retired multi-millionaires and bored rock stars.

He went on to stress that although they would have to repay the fees, students would be means tested. "That means they'll be tested," he said, "even though they're rich." He added that special efforts would be made to give poorer students access. "They can use the tradesmans' entrance at the back where they can pick up their mops and buckets."