MPs and newspaper editors are up in arms today after it was announced that Tony "Killer" Martin will continue to serve his sentence for shooting to death a 16-year-old burglar.

The parole board seem to have rejected the "Norfolk Assassin"'s request for early release on the grounds that he's not sorry, he's glad he did it, and he'd do it again given half a chance. The "Gunman of Hell"'s solicitor, James Sawnoff was shocked by the decision. In a statement he said, "Mr Martin, or 'The Black Slayer', as we like to call him, has been a model prisoner and hasn't killed anyone all the time he's been inside. What more do they want?"

The "Farmer of Doom"'s local MP, Tony Bellicose, was similarly outraged. "What's the world coming to when you aren't free to kill whoever you want in your own home with an illegally-held pump-action shotgun?" he asked. "Frankly it's no wonder there's so much crime around."