Secretary of State for Defence, Geoff Hoopla, confirmed yesterday that UK radar station Fylingdales will become a large target for the United States' enemies as part of its early warning system.

Mr Hoopla explained that the upgrade would consist of painting a large red circle around the base, then a large white circle around that, and a blue circle around that. Finally the word "Bullseye" would marked in large black letters in the centre. In the event of an attack the enemy would be able to hit Fylingdales easily and the ensuing mayhem would alert the US that they'd be next.

"The beauty of it is that it costs us nothing," said Mr Hoopla, "except greater vulnerability and some of our soldiers' lives. And then, when I'm finally voted out of office, I'll be able to get a job on the board of Lockheed Martin."