Over 400,000 protesters for the Countryside Alliance yesterday descended on London to demand their God-given right to grind down rural communities, destroy Britain's agricultural future and torture animals for entertainment purposes.

Lord Heathbert Winsley-Fobb lives in the small Yorkshire village of Winsley-Fobb. "I'm a simple farmer," he said, "and chairman of the Supaprice supermarket chain, part of Winsley-Fobb International Holdings plc. This government just doesn't understand the land like us country folk. It's people like us who preserve the countryside, and our traditional techniques of pumping the land with genetically modified sludge have been handed down from salesman to salesman over many months. It's our right to screw it for all it's worth, and we shouldn't have to listen to the asylum-seeking homosexual intelligentsia and their ideas of 'future generations'."

Farm hand Brian Singer agreed. He volunteered to come on the march rather than be fired by his employer, Lord Heathbert Winsley-Fobb. "This government is destroying our way of life. It's them I blame for when the Conservatives privatised the bus services and shut down the rural post offices. And I'm told that my low pay would be much higher if it wasn't for the minimum wage. Frankly I don't understand that bit, but Lord Winsley-Fobb assures me it's true."

Master of the hunt Jerry Crampon was similarly aggrieved. He wanted to continue fox hunting, badger baiting, and donkey sparking, in which a sad-looking donkey is tied to a post, prodded with electrically-charged branding irons, and over the course of an evening has its fur burnt off and eyes gouged out with white hot pokers while adults laugh at it and drink port. "People in the city just don't understand that," he said.