Following his inspired plan to reduce forest fires by cutting down trees US President George Bush today announced his intention to reduce the rate of child abductions by killing all firstborn.

Speaking while on holiday at his Texas ranch, the president said, "We need to make our communities safe by using some common sense. We need to understand you let children build up, like in a school or abortion clinic, and there's a paedophile around, you're gonna get yourself an abduction."

Critics point to research indicating the problem of child abduction generally stems from the presence of child abductors, rather than children. However, the chairman of the American Union of Child Kidnappers, Abusers and Molesters, Alfred Swagbag, was unavailable for comment as he is currently holidaying in Texas.