A football pitch the size of an asteroid came within a whisker of hitting Alpha Centauri, it has been reported, almost plunging it into a stupifying cycle of lager, chanting and satellite TV.

An Alpha Centauri spokesbeing beeped, "Our scientists have studied the interaction of football pitches with other planets, and it's clear it would have meant the end of civilisation as we know it."

The large turf-based object missed Alpha Centauri by a mere 75,000 miles, only slightly closer than David Seaman was to the ball as he conceded the winning goal to Brazil in the 2002 World Cup quarter finals.