The UK Government yesterday published a draft bill which enables Rubert Murdoch to screw the British public, and which is to be made into a Channel 5 erotic drama.

In the bill, a salivating media tycoon stalks an innocent TV-obsessed nation with aims to dominate it in a wholly unsavoury and previously illegal manner. Along the way, he compromises several government ministers and shafts a number of quivering members of parliament.

Critics of the bill say that it goes too far. They say it allows the tycoon to have full and unprotected access to the public's mind and opinions. But sources within the Murdoch empire say it doesn't go far enough. It coquettishly denies him access to the tempting ITV network, which will no doubt be left exposed in a sequel.

A Channel 5 spokesperson acknowledged the legal requirement for male porn stars to have a moustache, but would not comment on rumours that the part of Rupert Murdoch would be played by Rolf Harris.