The reported damage to David Beckham's foot has prompted an unprecedented wave of unauthoritative media coverage, pseudoscience and random speculation.

As numerous television programmes, newspapers and crackpots offered laying on of hands and telepathic think-alongs, doctors were at a loss to understand what all the fuss was about. "Our hearts go out to all the families and friends of those who have something interesting to say," said someone in a white coat and half-moon glasses. "Sadly their words will never be heard amid all this mindless babble. I can't bear to imagine what other countries think of us. It's a tragedy of national proportions."