President Bush is pushing ahead with plans, created by Exxon-Mobil, to oust the chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change which researches global warming. The chairmain, Dr Robert Watson, is a Briton said to have an "aggressive... personal agenda" which could threaten US oil interests.

An Exxon-Mobil spokesman for Mr Bush said Dr Watson's regime must be replaced by an US-backed leadership "that can better represent the Bush administration interests."

The Whitehouse confirmed the continuation of the fight against terrorism-as-we-define-it. "Dr Watson threatens the democratic right of the very people who put us here, namely the US oil and motor industry. He won't do what we want, and he won't go quietly, so we'll have to bomb the Hell out of him just like we always do. God Bless America."

It is thought that Mr Bush's favoured candidates for the post are Pinocchio, Sooty and Muffin the Mule.