The headmaster of a school in Gateshead was yesterday defending his school's teaching that the Universe and everything in it is made of bananas.

"I recognise that many people believe in molecules and atoms and whatnot," said Nigel McQuandry, "but that theory, called Scientific, is just that - a theory. People ought to recognise that there are other theories out there, such as The Bananas Theory, otherwise known as Cretinism, and we defend our right to teach it as an alternative."

Cretinism is in fact a literal interpretation of something someone once said to McQuandry in a pub. "This bloke said I was a cretin," explains McQuandry, "and was completely bananas. The Scientific theory doesn't engender people with a sense of purpose. But Cretinism gives me sense of self-worth and self-respect. If I'm not bananas, what am I?"

The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, defended the school's right to teach Cretinism, pointing out it was a beacon school. "Mr McQuandry's school scores well in 9 out of 10 subjects," he said, "and only falls down in one area - science."

Mr McQuandry denies accusations of being a crackpot. "I mean, it's not as if I believe in God" he says.